May 31, 2023. The last blog I published. It has been 80+ days since I have even attempted to write, and who knows when this will be finished enough to publish.
The truth is I have been struggling for months. I haven’t felt creative, I haven’t felt fulfilled, I haven’t felt happy, I haven’t felt inspired. My anxiety is pegged, and my self-worth is at an all-time low. I lay awake at night searching for answers, analyzing root causes, trying to make sense of the mess in my head. Ken is my personal cheerleader, “We have to keep going, put your headphones on, pick songs for this week, you can do it”. It must be exhausting. I am confident the switch to video during all this was calculated; trying to catapult me out of this rut I feel so trapped in.
Why now, you ask? What made me decide to be vulnerable during such a personal struggle, let alone write?
Unbeknownst to me at the time; synchronicity.
Someone recently shared a picture of a sticker of Lon on one of the taps at Record Archive. That sticker was put there by Erik while we all had beers, missing Lon at the first Metal Meltdown without him. Someone commented and asked how they could get some of those stickers. Lori, Lon’s sister, was also interested. I commented that I would be happy to send them both stickers.
I really wanted to introduce myself to Lori the night of Lon’s celebration of life. I always felt like I knew her by way of all the stories Lon told me. Lon admired his sister for her ability to just keep going, regardless of any and all obstacles. I never made it over to her. The night flew by, and as the night went on, I went further and further into my shell, until I was figuratively turned inside out.
Anyways, Lori and I connected through messenger regarding the stickers; we chatted back and forth, both of us sharing tears, laughs, and memories of Lon. She read my blog dedicated to Lon, and she shared the same story Lon shared with me about how he became my blog editor. His knack for proofreading runs in the family; they are all excellent spellers, their mother loved to read. Lori joked that as their mom would read a book, she would write edits in it.
I have said since the first week I did not publish a blog in the beginning of June that I could hear Lon’s voice (the louder, more demanding one) in my head, “Don’t blame your horseshit on me…”, meaning, his death and my inability to write. And he would be right in saying so. I felt a spark after talking to Lori, and immediately began an outline for my next blog. I feel like this was Lon’s softer side (the animated, compassionate one) saying, “Seriously, don’t blame your horseshit on me, write - and don’t make any mistakes…”
Synchronicity.
As I constructed my blog outline, I had no idea what the topic should be and I was all over the place, but I knew it had to happen. I have to climb out of this bucket.
The last couple weeks flashed through my head like a VHS tape on fast-forward.
A couple weeks ago, we were recording our first video podcast, the cooking show. Ken has been talking about switching to video for years, I have avoided it. I still hate the idea of it. I think we put ourselves out there enough for ridicule, adding my dumb head to the mix just doesn’t sound like a good idea for my sensitive self.
Anyways, during our chicken frank cooking recording session, our neighbor/friend texted me, and I didn’t see it. A subsequent text followed about fifteen minutes later, ‘I left something in your mailbox’. I ventured to the mailbox, where a silvery, gray sack with a note, ‘THESE CARDS WANT TO BE AT YOUR HOUSE’ was waiting for me. Messenger Cards.
I immediately took them out of their bag, shuffled them, took a deep breath, and drew a card. Synchronicity. An ‘Integration’ card.
In a non-spiritual context, synchronicity is used to describe events that appear to be related but lack connection – coincidences with unknown links.
Spiritual synchronicity is accepting that everything happens for a reason and that each event now occurring in your life has benefits…it suggests that you are preparing to take physical action in some way and that you are being called upon to seek your true motivation and expectations for desired change (Meredith L. Young-Sowers).
Lori reading my blog and enjoying it so much inspired me to ‘Dear Diary’ it up…
My friend dropping the messenger cards in my mailbox…
As the VHS of the past weeks played, I saw something on Facebook that someone posted. ‘Shadow work is so real…I see why everyone doesn’t go down this path. To truly heal, everything in need of healing within us must be revealed and brought into our conscious awareness. That shit is uncomfortable. Accepting our humanness is difficult’. HOLY SHIT. I felt like someone had finally put into words what I have been laying awake trying to figure out.
Well now I had to go learn all about spiritual shadow work. Shadow work, apparently, is the process of exploring the parts of yourself that you don’t like or don’t want to come to terms with. It’s about finding peace, healing, and liberation. Most importantly to me, forgiveness.
Synchronicity.
I go through these extreme periods of guilt, regret, shame, and remorse from things in my past. A memory will pop to my forefront, a memory I have not thought about since the moment it happened, it could have been 30 years ago. As I try to reconcile that memory, I rip myself apart. What was I thinking? How could I have let that happen? How could I have done something like that? Why did I do or say that? It could be anything I would not do today, and I spiral out of control with self-doubt, self-hate, and complete disregard for forgiving myself and recognizing my growth. I mean, imagine a world where I had no awareness. I should be grateful for these moments. But I am not – they are torture. This is the black hole I have been sucked into.
The VHS of the last weeks of my life continues to play. The same person that posted about shadow work, posted this a couple days later, ‘I love when I realized I’m handling a situation better than my old self would have’.
I hope the person that posted these messages is reading this; they helped brighten a very bleak, dark path, and I am extremely thankful.
I truly believe in second chances (admittedly, I get hesitant at three). I believe we all fuck up – granted in varying degrees, yes, but I believe in forgiveness, flaws, stumbles, tumbles, lessons, and the ability to grow and learn from it all.
It is time to believe all that for me too. It is time to extend to myself the forgiveness I have for others. I have to; I cannot focus on living life through my rearview mirror. I already know it will be my biggest regret. What makes it hard for me is this unrelenting, unforgiving, condemning, hateful society we live in.
The universe listens, and the universe talks back. Distant messages. Synchronicity. An implication that change is necessary…
