I am not one for New Year Resolutions, but I am a fan of reflection. As I look back on the rollercoaster ride that was 2023, I recognize there is grief, pain, and loss. I also recognize happiness, love, consistency, and growth.
The event that stands out the most from this past year, sadly, is the loss of Lon. His absence, even in a crowded room, is absolutely noticed, felt, missed. The sudden loss makes everything else that happened in 2023 feel like memory shadows, but there was some good that came out of the year. I try to remind myself of that.
We published our first (and only so far…) cooking show. We had a ton of fun, but we have some learning to do and instead of putting out mediocre material, we would like to dedicate time to figuring it out before we continue. Thankfully, we have great friends willing to help, so stay tuned.
We also put out a couple video podcasts as well, absolutely in honor of Lon. We put a hold on that too, we got several emails and messages from people who listen on the road and the videos were too big to download, etc. Lessons learned for sure, so that is a 2024 goal too. Also, we underestimated video editing. Lon’s advice was to make it to the next level, we need video. We would like to see that through, even if it is separate from the weekly show.
We met and talked to a ton of great people this year, most of which turned into friends. Music is a strong bonding experience – we rarely talk to someone on the show and never talk to them again. The beauty of Grim Dystopian.
I continue to get closer to my younger brother and I love our friendship. We have vastly different childhood experiences growing up under the same roof, but the roots are the same and as I continue to share, it has fostered a deeper trust and understanding.
Ken and I are going into our twentieth year together which is absolutely insane, awesome, and it just gets easier with each day. I am going into my 24th year of friendship with my best friend and the older we get, the more fun we have with each other. If every ounce of ‘life luck’ went into those two, I would spend it over and over again on the same thing. Them.
The huge, disruptive house projects are behind us, and we finally feel like we live at home and not someone’s Airbnb.
Some of the events of 2023 kicked off a deeper mental health journey. I have a lot of letting go to do. I realized how much trauma drives my decisions, actions, and truthfully, everyday life. My journey loosely started in 2022 with the blog. Writing and sharing was monumental for me. We tend to keep the dark stuff hidden, tucked away, where it feels safe. The truth is, getting some of my experiences out there helped me heal, and even better, made me realize I am not alone. None of us are alone, and if you ever feel that way when you get lost in thoughts, depression, anxiety, whatever it is, please remember – you are not alone.
As the last couple of years have come and gone, I realize the blog is not enough though. My depression and anxiety spiked this year, and it swallowed me. My PTSD left me sometimes paralyzed. I felt like I’ve been circling the drain (Sully reference, and I totally feel it). At first, I tried to deny it and produce excuses. I insisted my doctors check my hormones and although they didn’t test everything, they tested enough to know I cannot blame my mental state wholly on my body chemistry. I blamed it on the time of year, a stressful work and/or home project, the list goes on. I had moments of extreme despair, feelings I do not want to ever feel again. I started down a dark path of pulling myself away from friends. If you have felt that I am sorry. It isn’t and wasn’t intentional, directed, or pointed.
It is time to let go. We owe it to ourselves to shed years of conditioning and live as our authentic selves. I grew up in a household that was not very supportive. I was called a loser; I knew everyone in my family thought I would not amount to anything. I was not encouraged to try new things. I did not feel heard, I did not feel seen, and as a result I had a tough time figuring out who I was.
The best way to describe what I am currently feeling is I have an invisible plexiglass cube surrounding me. I carry it everywhere. I let people see me – it is not a wall, but because of the negative influence, I am constantly judging MYSELF and admiring others for their ability to put themselves out there. I need to start focusing on in/out, not out/in. I am not sure if that even makes sense, but it makes complete sense to me.
Truthfully, I have just come to realize that maybe I didn’t benefit from all those years of therapy because I did not let go and tell my true story. Some things I made light of, other things I made sound worse. I was deflecting. I was uncomfortable being heard, being seen.
After years of avoiding, excuse-making, ignoring, and sometimes plain o’ shutting down, I took the first step to talk to someone and it has been a beautiful experience. I finally feel like I am talking TO someone, not AT someone. The funny thing is, she isn’t even a therapist – she is a modern medicine doctor who sees huge benefits in alternative treatments. She is leading me in the right direction (I hope) – there will be more on this in later blogs because I am going into a new-to-me treatment plan that is bound to get a little interesting. I will be finding a therapist as well.
Thanks to Grim Dystopian, we have been welcomed into the most incredible friend group. No drama, no judgment, just fun and encouragement. And thanks to that, I did something I NEVER, EVER thought I would have the courage to do on the last day of the year. Karaoke.
I took the first step to let go on the last day of 2023, and it already feels amazing.
I will hold close in my heart the memories made, the time spent, the lessons learned, and most importantly, those we lost this year.
